I have been trying to write this post for two weeks now. Every time I start I delete it because what I have to say represents an evolving change in my thinking. But I need to say it because I would like my blog to be part of my accountability for change, big changes that I am committed to making in my life. The best way I can describe my current state of being is I got stuck and have stayed stuck for the last 10 years. Wow! That is a really long time, but it has been that long. When I had my son I had one major goal and that was to finish school so that I could have some chance of supporting us. Plus after everything I finally knew what I wanted to do. And I took my son to my aunt and grandma every morning, babysat kids in the afternoon and worked my a** off for 2 1/2 years to accomplish this goal. I was so proud of myself when I finished, but petrified at the same time. I now had to get a real job and really support myself and my son. Not the average goal of a new college graduate at the age of 24. And it was and is the hardest thing I have or will ever do. And I have done many things well, I have progressed in my career and have a wonderful (albeit quirky!) 13 year old.

However, when I look back at this transition, I still am the same person I was at 24. I weigh the same, I make the same mistakes over and over again in many areas of my life. Basically I got stuck!

Did you ever see that movie “Defending Your Life” with Albert Brooks? In it he dies and goes to limbo where he has to go through his life (in movie clips) and his past life and convince this panel that he is ready to progress to the next level in his next life. What holds people back from progressing . . . fear! Fear is the big enemy in the movie, Brooks’ character spends much time making excuses about the circumstance (valid or otherwise) why he made the choices he made, but in the end he had to overcome his fear to move on.

See the connection? I am stuck like Albert Brooks character due to my fear. What am I afraid of? The past, plain and simple. I have made a lot of mistakes with relationships and other decisions that I now totally regret and I have not been willing to open myself up to those things so I just stayed the same. Have I made the best decisions with my money, no! I should have saved more, spent less but at the age of 24 every dime I had was needed for the basics in life (food, roof, daycare costs). And any time I got any extra money I was so excited to get a few treats (like a new shirt or a meal out) I would spend that money. But starting 2-3 years ago I am making enough money that this is not the case. We have more than we need and although I have started saving a little and began a little while ago making better decisions I should be doing a lot better. I am staring down the barrel of needing a new car soon, a child in high school who will drive and start college in 5 years. And I know that I just need to change my thinking about money, because the reality of someday owning my own home and having a decent amount of savings is there I just need to make it happen.

I also got stuck in my weight . . . big time. I have never been skinny, weight is always and always will be something I have to be concerned about. But I accepted myself for who I am and love myself many years ago. So why have I not gotten unstuck? Fear! If I get unstuck, lose weight, romance may rear it’s head. This shouldn’t be a bad thing, I would like to be in love, but my last relationship was such a disaster and I got caught up in a really bad situation that although it would be easy to point fingers was just as much my fault for sticking around. And with my son in the picture, I think staying fat has eliminated that possibility. Not that you can’t meet someone if you are fat, but let’s face it, this severely limits you.

So what now? How do I get unstuck?

Well this, for me, is the first step. Writing this in an open forum (declaring my problems) is in a way a first step. Making these changes will not be easy, and what I need is accountability. This blog will be part of that accountability. When I think back to going to college and having a newborn baby and how I achieved that, it was one day at a time. I got up and went to school because I had paid the money and my aunt was expecting me to bring my son so I could go to class. And I had that little baby who needed to have a mom with a future. I was passionate about what I was doing and discovering my creativity and using it to help pay the bills. Payback for my accountability.

So now I have a 13 year old who only knows a single, fat mom. He has never seen a successful marriage/relationship up close (other than his aunt/uncle and others but not in his daily life) or had a mom who loves to be physically and socially active. This makes me sad. He thinks of me as someone who works really hard and takes care of him. And cooks really good. I want to be more than that for me and for him (I am more than that). I want him to see a whole thriving person and I need to let go of my fear and become the person I was meant to be. I am smarter than this and am the type of person who doesn’t let things get in their way. A little fear of the unknown will not stand in my way. So one day at a time toward living a healthier life physically, mentally and financially. The rewards are a little unknown, but I know a 13 year old who will be proud of me for these accomplishments and I will be proud of myself for not letting fear stop me!

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